Being You Before You’re Chosen

A reflection on presence, performance, and what distinguishes people when everyone is talented.

“Who do you think will win?” my daughter asks me. We’re out to dinner in Provincetown on New Year’s Eve, talking about Season 13 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I’d just told her how excited I was to watch the finale later that evening. She’s already seen it and knows which of the four finalists ultimately takes the crown.

I paused and thought about Kandy Muse, Rosé, Gottmik, and Symone and how each of them was talented, distinctive, and very much could win. Then I thought about the other seasons I’ve watched, and about the winners who stayed with me the most: Jinkx Monsoon, Sasha Velour, and Yvie Oddly, all deeply anchored in who they were.

What I realized in that moment was that, as I reflected on Kandy Muse, Rosé, Gottmik, and Symone, I had moved beyond skills and talent altogether. I was evaluating something harder to name: presence, authenticity, and who felt unmistakably themselves.

And I had a jolt of déjà vu.

Throughout the show, RuPaul keeps pushing contestants past surface polish, asking them to reflect, to take risks, and to let themselves be seen, even when that means letting go of perfection. She asks questions like: Why did you choose this? What are you trying to say? What are you hiding behind? What are you afraid to show? In essence: Who are you?

Sometimes the most telling moments are the quietest. In a Season 7 workroom walk-through on Drag Race, RuPaul stopped in front of Pearl and said nothing at all. Pearl had been criticized for holding back, for seeming disengaged, for not fully letting herself be seen. The silence stretched on, awkwardly, until Pearl finally broke it: “Is there something on my face?” Ru didn’t answer the question she was asking. She simply said, “Yeah,” letting the silence stand.

The silence itself was the point. With it, there was nothing to respond to, nothing to perform against. RuPaul left Pearl alone with herself, pressing her to reflect and show up fully as herself.

I laughed out loud and said to my daughter, “You know, winning RuPaul’s Drag Race is kind of like gaining admission to a highly selective college.”

I had been here before: reading drafts of student essays, guiding students through extracurricular and summer choices, helping them build college lists, and in conversations with families. There is a difference between making choices for outcomes and choosing to be boldly alive. Between writing from the head and writing from the heart. And between doing something to impress and doing something for joy.

This isn’t what it takes to get into every college. But at the most selective levels, where talent is assumed, something else is being evaluated.

Like Sasha Velour, Jinkx Monsoon, Yvie Oddly, and, I came to learn, Symone, being present, uniquely and coherently oneself, vulnerable, and willing to trust the process, wins.

I think we underestimate how rare it is to be confident that just being yourself is the path to success. Especially before anyone else confirms it. How risky it feels.

I keep thinking about how many young people choose, instead, to be performative. Families ask me all the time what “looks good” in a college application. What impresses admissions officers? What will help a student stand out in the application pool?

What stands out? Students who are willing to be seen. Who integrate skill, self-knowledge, and intention, not just present excellence. They are internally steady, quietly confident, reflective without being performative, and consistent across choices, voice, and values. Their applications feel settled. Not perfect, but true.

I’m reminded of one of our Lantern high school students who was crystally clear about who she was. She pursued the activities she loved, even if they weren’t outwardly impressive. She took extremely challenging college classes that pushed her outside her comfort zone, with little thought of potential impact to her GPA. With a mind on fire, she wrote about what she wanted to write and did not agonize over essay topics or word choices. She applied to a very short list of schools where she belonged. Not a long list of schools at the top of the latest set of rankings.

I give a lot of advice. I don’t always follow the advice I give. Today I am. I am writing this piece just because I want to. Just because it interests me. Because writing it is making my brain itch and makes me feel alive. I have no agenda for it. So, in a very real sense, this time, I am practicing what I preach.